I've been thinking for a long time about being more consistent with my blogging. So... Here goes. I have quite a few things that I want to blog about and I have a number of blogsites. I'm going to devote this one to the hard things in life. Now this may sound like it will be a real discouraging subject. But, that isn't my intent.
I have learned SO MUCH in the hard parts of my life. God has used pain to bring about some of the biggest blessings that I have ever experienced. For example, what has happened since I broke my knee. I learned to rely on someone else rather than myself. I've had to learn a new way to balance my life. And, I make mistakes as I continue on this journey. Today, I was up and moving a fair amount. I got quite a bit done. Then, I sat down at a table to write some things out. My knee really started hurting by the time I was done. So I sat in my recliner couch and got my leg up. It took awhile for the pain to ease. But, yes, I got another chance to figure out the balance that is good for me.
In the process over the last three years, I've been learning something I had never understood. I don't have to be hard on myself. I can accept where I'm at. I've made a lot of progress in not feeling guilty for things I thought I should hold onto. I can let go of the sin in my life, the mistakes I make, errors in judgement. I have punished myself FAR MORE than God ever has. He doesn't want me to live life handicapped by guilt. This makes it easier for me to admit my faults, errors, sin.
This blogsite has a lot about what it was like to live with our RAD kiddos. I'll update a bit on that in a later post. This is still an area that I have some struggles in. And yes, growth happens through struggling through what has gone on.
Showing posts with label timetothink. Show all posts
Showing posts with label timetothink. Show all posts
Monday, October 31, 2016
Friday, May 23, 2014
Avoiding Fights In Marriage
I've been thinking about changes in marriage. One of the things that my husband had problems with for a long time was fighting. We don't fight anymore. Do we have problems to solve? Yes. Do we agree on everything? No Do we feel intense emotions at times? Yes. We've been married over 30 years and we have been through a lot of very hard things. But, we enjoy life together more now than ever.
How do we avoid fighting, you may ask? I'm going to give you tips that I have learned. But first, I'd like to share with you things that you may want to look at. I had to take a look at my past and work through how I grew up. I also had things that were hard as an adult that I've looked at and am still working through. It takes time to process things from the past. Gradually, I've become more comfortable with who I am as I've faced what I came from. My husband had things he needed to face too, but it was harder for him to look at them. He has looked at these things in more recent years. I started the process early in our marriage. With both of us seeing our past in a new light, it has been easier. Now, I couldn't MAKE him look at his life. I tried that.
One of the things we have had to face in our marriage is our emotional struggles. I became depressed very early in our marriage. I needed medication. This isn't the case for all people. Some choose to try natural methods for aiding with the emotions. I tried that for awhile too. All I know is that sometimes it can make a big difference if your body/brain are in sync. My husband was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago. Meds for this has been very helpful in his ability to process & focus.
If one or the other person won't compromise, this can create problems. Both of us tended to think we were right and knew the best way to do things. When we finally realized that the other person had valuable input, it was much easier to talk through how to handle what we were struggling with. Sometimes we need to compromise and other times we just need to understand the other person. It might be a need that the other person has. It might be that you are doing something that is a trigger. You may not even know that it triggers something in your spouse. Most of the time, we can adjust out of love for the other person. Both of us have worked on doing this. This helps to heal wounds in the heart & soul.
I learned that it was best to not respond in the instant moment of my anger. I took time to cool down and to process what was bothering me. I have to be careful to not rile myself up more. I've discovered that timing my need to talk to my husband is a bit tricky. I need to cool down but if I avoid the problem too long, my emotions build. Not every situation is the same in how I need to time it. I need to keep a check on my emotions and I also need to pay attention to where my husband is too. I have found it's best to have already tried to think through my husband's side of whatever issue I'm wanting to talk about.
Now, there are a couple of things that help the ability to talk. I try to look for timing and to approach gently. My husband usually asks if it's a good time for me to talk. It is easy to start making accusations and blame the other person. When I can describe how I feel in a situation, it takes some of the pressure off my husband. When we can ask questions from what we heard to hear better & more, communication is calmer. Sometimes I have to hear him, even if I'm the one who approached.
I've learned that when we apply these principles we live life with a better understanding of each other. We don't fight. We live together with the same goals. And it is easier to be patient when the other person isn't at the same place you are at. Enjoy your life, it's shorter than you think.
How do we avoid fighting, you may ask? I'm going to give you tips that I have learned. But first, I'd like to share with you things that you may want to look at. I had to take a look at my past and work through how I grew up. I also had things that were hard as an adult that I've looked at and am still working through. It takes time to process things from the past. Gradually, I've become more comfortable with who I am as I've faced what I came from. My husband had things he needed to face too, but it was harder for him to look at them. He has looked at these things in more recent years. I started the process early in our marriage. With both of us seeing our past in a new light, it has been easier. Now, I couldn't MAKE him look at his life. I tried that.
One of the things we have had to face in our marriage is our emotional struggles. I became depressed very early in our marriage. I needed medication. This isn't the case for all people. Some choose to try natural methods for aiding with the emotions. I tried that for awhile too. All I know is that sometimes it can make a big difference if your body/brain are in sync. My husband was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago. Meds for this has been very helpful in his ability to process & focus.
If one or the other person won't compromise, this can create problems. Both of us tended to think we were right and knew the best way to do things. When we finally realized that the other person had valuable input, it was much easier to talk through how to handle what we were struggling with. Sometimes we need to compromise and other times we just need to understand the other person. It might be a need that the other person has. It might be that you are doing something that is a trigger. You may not even know that it triggers something in your spouse. Most of the time, we can adjust out of love for the other person. Both of us have worked on doing this. This helps to heal wounds in the heart & soul.
I learned that it was best to not respond in the instant moment of my anger. I took time to cool down and to process what was bothering me. I have to be careful to not rile myself up more. I've discovered that timing my need to talk to my husband is a bit tricky. I need to cool down but if I avoid the problem too long, my emotions build. Not every situation is the same in how I need to time it. I need to keep a check on my emotions and I also need to pay attention to where my husband is too. I have found it's best to have already tried to think through my husband's side of whatever issue I'm wanting to talk about.
Now, there are a couple of things that help the ability to talk. I try to look for timing and to approach gently. My husband usually asks if it's a good time for me to talk. It is easy to start making accusations and blame the other person. When I can describe how I feel in a situation, it takes some of the pressure off my husband. When we can ask questions from what we heard to hear better & more, communication is calmer. Sometimes I have to hear him, even if I'm the one who approached.
I've learned that when we apply these principles we live life with a better understanding of each other. We don't fight. We live together with the same goals. And it is easier to be patient when the other person isn't at the same place you are at. Enjoy your life, it's shorter than you think.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)