Avoiding Fights In Marriage

I've been thinking about changes in marriage. One of the things that my husband had problems with for a long time was fighting. We don't fight anymore. Do we have problems to solve? Yes. Do we agree on everything? No Do we feel intense emotions at times? Yes. We've been married over 30 years and we have been through a lot of very hard things. But, we enjoy life together more now than ever.

How do we avoid fighting, you may ask? I'm going to give you tips that I have learned. But first, I'd like to share with you things that you may want to look at. I had to take a look at my past and work through how I grew up. I also had things that were hard as an adult that I've looked at and am still working through. It takes time to process things from the past. Gradually, I've become more comfortable with who I am as I've faced what I came from. My husband had things he needed to face too, but it was harder for him to look at them. He has looked at these things in more recent years. I started the process early in our marriage. With both of us seeing our past in a new light, it has been easier. Now, I couldn't MAKE him look at his life. I tried that.

One of the things we have had to face in our marriage is our emotional struggles. I became depressed very early in our marriage. I needed medication. This isn't the case for all people. Some choose to try natural methods for aiding with the emotions. I tried that for awhile too. All I know is that sometimes it can make a big difference if your body/brain are in sync. My husband was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago. Meds for this has been very helpful in his ability to process & focus.

If one or the other person won't compromise, this can create problems. Both of us tended to think we were right and knew the best way to do things. When we finally realized that the other person had valuable input, it was much easier to talk through how to handle what we were struggling with. Sometimes we need to compromise and other times we just need to understand the other person. It might be a need that the other person has. It might be that you are doing something that is a trigger. You may not even know that it triggers something in your spouse. Most of the time, we can adjust out of love for the other person. Both of us have worked on doing this. This helps to heal wounds in the heart & soul.

I learned that it was best to not respond in the instant moment of my anger. I took time to cool down and to process what was bothering me. I have to be careful to not rile myself up more. I've discovered that timing my need to talk to my husband is a bit tricky. I need to cool down but if I avoid the problem too long, my emotions build. Not every situation is the same in how I need to time it. I need to keep a check on my emotions and I also need to pay attention to where my husband is too. I have found it's best to have already tried to think through my husband's side of whatever issue I'm wanting to talk about.

Now, there are a couple of things that help the ability to talk. I try to look for timing and to approach gently. My husband usually asks if it's a good time for me to talk. It is easy to start making accusations and blame the other person. When I can describe how I feel in a situation, it takes some of the pressure off my husband. When we can ask questions from what we heard to hear better & more, communication is calmer. Sometimes I have to hear him, even if I'm the one who approached.

I've learned that when we apply these principles we live life with a better understanding of each other. We don't fight. We live together with the same goals. And it is easier to be patient when the other person isn't at the same place you are at. Enjoy your life, it's shorter than you think.

No Regrets

Something has been on my mind a lot lately that I'd like to share. I've made a LOT of mistakes in life. I've hurt others, I've hurt myself and most of all I've hurt my witness as a believer in Christ. I've been trying to narrow down what was at the core. I could go on & on naming all the things I did that were wrong. I've done that enough in my head through. Too much....

Let me tell you a bit about the influence I've had the potential of. I've taken care of children since I was 12 years old. I babysat for a neighbor and as I got older, I watched three children all day for the whole week. That was a lot of responsibility as a teen. Then, after marriage we did foster care and I did daycare at various times. We served in our church with young people. I worked in the nursery. We had two children and then adopted two more. Now we have added a daughter-in-law, son-in-law and have four beautiful grandchildren. I want MORE than anything to have a positive influence in their lives. We've had to take some hard steps with our adoptive children. They haven't done well. We tried all we knew and yes, we made mistakes. But that isn't what this is all about. I've learned some things about WHO I've BEEN in the last few years.

THAT is what is important!!! I had standards that I had in place even as a teenager. I had ideals, goals, dreams. I wish I had known then what I know now. All of those ideals, goals and dreams are good; but there are some things that are important to know about these things you have in your head or may have even written down.

Some you need to keep set in concrete and others you need to be willing to sway on. When my husband and I got married, we both had certain ideals. They didn't all match up - imagine that!! It took us WAY too long to learn the art of COMPROMISE. Now, this is a hard one to handle. When you're young, you think everything is a HUGE deal. It's VERY important to think through your list. WHAT has the most value to you?? WHO might be hurt and HOW if you give in on an issue that is important to you.??? WHEN and HOW MUCH giving in is ok?? This one can be tricky. WHY are you giving in??? Is it to "keep a boyfriend?" I did that and paid for it. Is it to keep peace in a relationship??? I did that and ended up going in directions that wounded my soul.

I discovered in the end that when I felt too much shame to face GOD with who I was that I REALLY had a problem. Now, God didn't ask me to feel that shame. It was just the result of not doing things in a way that I knew glorified Him. I knew I'd hurt my witness. I knew I wasn't the woman He created me to be. But I have to tell you that I have been SO BLESSED as I've seen the grace that He has given to me in my "giving in." I wanted to change. I was SO miserable with myself. He has gently guided me to what He wants for and of me.

If I had it all to do over again. I'd make MANY different choices. I wouldn't let others pressure me into doing & believing things that just didn't work for me and who I was called to be. But, I am thankful that I have a voice to speak. To be able to tell others that it is ok to have beliefs, standards, things you won't give in on.