God is Changing Me

I've been thinking for a long time about being more consistent with my blogging. So... Here goes. I have quite a few things that I want to blog about and I have a number of blogsites. I'm going to devote this one to the hard things in life. Now this may sound like it will be a real discouraging subject. But, that isn't my intent.

I have learned SO MUCH in the hard parts of my life. God has used pain to bring about some of the biggest blessings that I have ever experienced. For example, what has happened since I broke my knee. I learned to rely on someone else rather than myself. I've had to learn a new way to balance my life. And, I make mistakes as I continue on this journey. Today, I was up and moving a fair amount. I got quite a bit done. Then, I sat down at a table to write some things out. My knee really started hurting by the time I was done. So I sat in my recliner couch and got my leg up. It took awhile for the pain to ease. But, yes, I got another chance to figure out the balance that is good for me.

In the process over the last three years, I've been learning something I had never understood. I don't have to be hard on myself. I can accept where I'm at. I've made a lot of progress in not feeling guilty for things I thought I should hold onto. I can let go of the sin in my life, the mistakes I make, errors in judgement. I have punished myself FAR MORE than God ever has. He doesn't want me to live life handicapped by guilt. This makes it easier for me to admit my faults, errors, sin.

This blogsite has a lot about what it was like to live with our RAD kiddos. I'll update a bit on that in a later post. This is still an area that I have some struggles in. And yes, growth happens through struggling through what has gone on.

God's Timing - WOW

We got the news about two weeks ago that our son was in trouble with the law and no longer in the boy's home my husband had taken him to. We have both been saddened by what he has done and yet we know that God is working in his life and in ours. We have come to realize that we needed to release him to God. I'm amazed as I look at what God has done in our home over the last few years. My husband and I were not on the same page about what needed to happen regarding our son. I decided to be patient and wait for him to realize what I knew. Was I totally silent? Was I frustrated? Was I discouraged? Did I feel like "making him see it my way?" No, to totally silent but yes to the rest of the questions and even more questions.

I did bring up the subject once in awhile. I worked hard to not be a "nag." My husband says that I wasn't. I was VERY frustarted that he couldn't see what I saw. I learned to keep quiet about this most of the time. Yep, I'm not perfect in anything I resolve to do or be. Some days, I was so discouraged!! I didn't know how much longer I could stay "stuck" in the in between. And yet, I'm still here "stuck in the in between" and coping with it well most of the time. It has made it easier to stay "stuck" since my husband has seen what the situation really was. Occasionally, I'd try to make him "see it my way." This wasn't very productive. He needed to experience his own coming to that point.

My husband needed to see what was "sick" after our second attempt at finding him help in another boys home. He went to work when our son was home (before the first home and in the five months he was home before we found the second home). Going to work gave him a reprieve from the chaos I was dealing with every day. When our son was going to be "kicked out" of another home for his behavior, my husband & a friend drove to pick him up. There was no way he could come home. BECAUSE...

In the meantime, God broke my leg!!! YES!!! I see this as a method God took to direct us. My husband had had an opportunity through this to understand how much more vulnerable I was to our sons antics. My balance has been off since I broke my leg. At 8-9 years of age, our son had started physically pushing me. At 14, he could've easily knocked me over. If he could do this, he would develop a greater sense of power to be used over people. My husband has spent a lot of time in the last 15 months caring for me, helping me with what I'm unable to do, encouraging me to do more when he sees I can, helping me make progress in healing. And not just the physical healing. There have been many things that we have talked through since "I broke." It has been GOOD!!!

I've sensed for a number of years that our son only sees us as a "way to reconnect with his sister." This would be damaging for BOTH children. I can't prevent it and yet, it is unhealthy for this to be what our relationship with our son is about. For us AND FOR HIM. We don't know where his sister is and I'm fine with that. I know that he won't accept that. All he talked about in the five months home was wanting his sister. And, he acted out in deeper ways. That showed us we can't be family.

In releasing him to God, I'm trusting God to do what is needed in his life to bring him to HIM. I have no control over what our son thinks about, chooses to do, responds to. I know that God is a MUCH better parent for him than I could ever be. He is ALWAYS LOVING... I fail at that. HE has the POWER to CHANGE a LIFE... I don't. Yes, I can be used and yet I feel at peace about "letting go to let God."

Do I wish I hadn't broken my leg??? ABSOLUTELY!!! But, I'm content in knowing that God was in charge of this event in my life. I know that HE is preparing us for a future that I only dream about. We both have thoughts on how we want to serve God and wait to see what he brings to us.