God's Timing - WOW

We got the news about two weeks ago that our son was in trouble with the law and no longer in the boy's home my husband had taken him to. We have both been saddened by what he has done and yet we know that God is working in his life and in ours. We have come to realize that we needed to release him to God. I'm amazed as I look at what God has done in our home over the last few years. My husband and I were not on the same page about what needed to happen regarding our son. I decided to be patient and wait for him to realize what I knew. Was I totally silent? Was I frustrated? Was I discouraged? Did I feel like "making him see it my way?" No, to totally silent but yes to the rest of the questions and even more questions.

I did bring up the subject once in awhile. I worked hard to not be a "nag." My husband says that I wasn't. I was VERY frustarted that he couldn't see what I saw. I learned to keep quiet about this most of the time. Yep, I'm not perfect in anything I resolve to do or be. Some days, I was so discouraged!! I didn't know how much longer I could stay "stuck" in the in between. And yet, I'm still here "stuck in the in between" and coping with it well most of the time. It has made it easier to stay "stuck" since my husband has seen what the situation really was. Occasionally, I'd try to make him "see it my way." This wasn't very productive. He needed to experience his own coming to that point.

My husband needed to see what was "sick" after our second attempt at finding him help in another boys home. He went to work when our son was home (before the first home and in the five months he was home before we found the second home). Going to work gave him a reprieve from the chaos I was dealing with every day. When our son was going to be "kicked out" of another home for his behavior, my husband & a friend drove to pick him up. There was no way he could come home. BECAUSE...

In the meantime, God broke my leg!!! YES!!! I see this as a method God took to direct us. My husband had had an opportunity through this to understand how much more vulnerable I was to our sons antics. My balance has been off since I broke my leg. At 8-9 years of age, our son had started physically pushing me. At 14, he could've easily knocked me over. If he could do this, he would develop a greater sense of power to be used over people. My husband has spent a lot of time in the last 15 months caring for me, helping me with what I'm unable to do, encouraging me to do more when he sees I can, helping me make progress in healing. And not just the physical healing. There have been many things that we have talked through since "I broke." It has been GOOD!!!

I've sensed for a number of years that our son only sees us as a "way to reconnect with his sister." This would be damaging for BOTH children. I can't prevent it and yet, it is unhealthy for this to be what our relationship with our son is about. For us AND FOR HIM. We don't know where his sister is and I'm fine with that. I know that he won't accept that. All he talked about in the five months home was wanting his sister. And, he acted out in deeper ways. That showed us we can't be family.

In releasing him to God, I'm trusting God to do what is needed in his life to bring him to HIM. I have no control over what our son thinks about, chooses to do, responds to. I know that God is a MUCH better parent for him than I could ever be. He is ALWAYS LOVING... I fail at that. HE has the POWER to CHANGE a LIFE... I don't. Yes, I can be used and yet I feel at peace about "letting go to let God."

Do I wish I hadn't broken my leg??? ABSOLUTELY!!! But, I'm content in knowing that God was in charge of this event in my life. I know that HE is preparing us for a future that I only dream about. We both have thoughts on how we want to serve God and wait to see what he brings to us.

Changes

I haven't written for a long time. I had a hard time seeing the humor for the last year. We placed our daughter back into the foster care system since it wasn't safe for our son for her to be here. We have since reliinquished our rights. Our son became pretty unsafe at home even with her gone and too much for me to handle when I was alone. In early December we took him to a boys home that our therapist recommended in Kentucky. He has made very slow but steady progress. He has been fairly honest with us on the phone. The home is VERY structured and they attend school there. We will go for our first visit in a few weeks. They have a strict policy about how and when and how long for phone calls and visits too. Everything is planned to give the child and parents gradual steps. It is expected that Jonathan will talk with us about how he behaved at home before he returns home.

Our trip to take him was kinda interesting. He had been VERY out of control at home and we took him to respite for a few days after a therapy appointment. We had hoped that it would all work out when we took him to therapy, which was the day after his incident. The therapist called the respite provider and she agreed to take him and we arranged to pick him up in a few days and we flew him to the home. He acted like we were on a vacation the whole time. The respite provider advised us not to tell him until we were on the property. I certainly didn't want to tell him until we were off all flights. I was sure he would've made GREAT use of his captive audience - LOL!!!

We got to Nashville and no luggage arrived. We took him to the home anyway and they had things to get by for him. He was thrilled with all our driving until we drove up a road and that had a very large house. Then he says, "what have I gotten myself into?" Hmmm - I wonder? We got inside and I took him in my lap and explained what was happening. We went into the office and rules were discussed and Jonathan was taken by an older boy to get some clothes and then the goodbyes came. It was still hard even though we knew it was the best thing for him.

We have heard maturity in his voice as he talks to us on the phone over time. He isn't whining and he sounds much more grown up. Usually very serious. One time he told us he was working to come home. He said he didn't want to see the therapist anymore. I let him know that he would still need to work on things once he came home and would need to see him. He accepted that with, "yes Mom."

The next phone call was a much lighter tone of voice. He was still respectful but just sounded like he was settling in better. Then we called from Canada when we visited the older kids. He got to talk to his big brother. He knew that we were with everyone. He was sad when it was time to hang up. Hard things to face at ten. But, my little boy has a tender heart in there. I have seen it many times. I'm looking forward to seeing him and hugging him in a few weeks. To seeing what he's been doing. To seeing what changes have occured in him. I know he still has a long way to go. We've been told to expect this to take a year or two. It will just be nice to spend some time seeing what his life is like right now and getting a feel so we will be in touch with what he will need when he does come home.

I know - not as much of my humorous side or fun stuff in this post. I haven't blogged much on any of my sites. Just trying to kinda get back into it a bit.

Just To Be Clear

Jonathan is so funny. We left him with some friends tonight for their teenage daughter to babysit. As we were leaving, he started talking about wanting a Nintendo DS. I just shook my head since we have been down this road before. He isn't ready for one. So, he says, "maybe I can buy one with my own money." I said, "when you have some." I told the mother he owes us 200 dollars. Jonathan pops out with, "no, 201 dollars." Funny boy - it had to be accurate!

We are really trying to help him get this worked down to nothing. He needs to feel that he has succeeded at this. He likes to keep himself in the mode of having problems and issues to deal with. He likes his life to be negative. We are making him do chores and paying him well right now to get this down quickly. It has been up at this level for months and he keeps it up. Sad, isn't it?

New Book Title

Jonathan was home from school all day yesterday. He was not easy to have home. I worked HARD to be a good mommy for him. Mid-afternoon he let me know he was trying to irritate me - lol - as if I hadn't figured that out! This morning, he was back at it right away, so I was a good mommy for him again. He was mad and said something about me learning more or reading more. I asked him what he was talking about. "That book by Nancy Thomas called, 'How To Bug Children!" I die laughing here. He says, "see, you're bugging me!" He is just too cute and funny. I love that kid!!!